Monday, May 10, 2010

Fruit Salad, Fat Rage, and Internet Hooliganism

Can being a victim of someone else’s internet hooliganism lead to an act of fat rage?

If you unknowingly touch someone else’s fruit, can it lead to an act of fat rage?

Somehow I had my very own plus-size version of Sex and the City [2] (coming to a theatre near you!) moment recently. So to speak. Because, as I was sitting in my studio apartment (having given up cigarettes long ago) without a Cosmopolitan (I am ‘cosmo’ enough—I don’t need to drink one, plus I prefer vodka and a good smokey single malt—Laphroaig, anyone? Thank you Jazz Dentist!)[I think I should work for or with Seth MacFarlane, because we both surely suffer from incredible ADD and are originally from Connecticut. That’s reason enough, right?]

Tangent dedicated to Seth MacFarlane
Possibly, but I only thought of that now as I am sitting here to type this at Café Pick Me Up in the East Village in NYC. I have certainly had my fair share of picking up and getting picked up in this café and street corner. No, not for money—no kinky details there unless practically living like a nun [yep, you heard me, a nun!] turns you on. I’ve met many a Russian on this corner.

When I first moved to Manhattan, a Russian friend of mine put a personal ad in a Russian newspaper about me [without telling me] ---and when my phone kept ringing when I was out with work colleagues. I kept answering the phone in Russian—they thought I was either dating a mobster or selling something serious. Neither was true(at that time).

Anyway, I am recently not only the victim of FaceBookhooliganism (my term, I coined it!), and a mild case of cyber-passive-aggressiveness, cyber stalkingism, or perhaps 5thgradeism, or “just-a-little-creepy-for-me-ism” as well as a victim of unknowingly mixing with someone else’s fruit—or the English language version: being lied to by a guy on the internet. And by “lied to” I mean the dude has a girlfriend but was throwing the mack my way—including several mentions of a visit.

I feel safe enough to talk about it here on my own blog in my own words. And, I am sure that other fat girls have gone through the same thing. Indeed, I know others who have. So, I think it is one of the many things we deal with in our culture—fat/size acceptance community and the cultural society of the digital age. And, it is also fair to note that the, I will say BBW world, tends to be a bit incestuous. That’s right, I said it.

This recent event really pissed me off. Not cause I ‘super-liked’ the guy. It was too soon to be in ‘super-like’, but yeah, liked him as there was common ground—except for the lying part: I dug the accent, and am fond of certain facial accompaniments, I like freckles. He seemed nice, claimed to be shameless, and smart. And I am sure I wasn’t the only one pissed off. [I can imagine how gf felt.] First, I don’t like being a victim, who does? And I don’t wanna play that role—in fact, I refuse to. Honesty is important—and apparently very lacking in today’s culture—as well as apologies. Is anyone decent anymore?!!! I mean just look at the news, is anyone faithful anymore?! From politicians to sport figures, to celebrities, to the guy down the block, or your very own internet ‘friend.’ And if it happens to ‘perfect looking women’ {someone’s view of Mrs. Elin Woods}, can you imagine what is happening all across the globe to fat girls? I mean we all have seen enough Craigslist’s Rant and Raves and hateful posts on the subject.

And hey, I don’t want to totally dis the internet and its ability to hook people up whose paths might not have crossed otherwise. And there is at least one particular person who I can think of who met her husband this way. She is a fat girl, and he is from another country. And I get the impression that he is really a good dude. And good dudes conduct themselves that way, ladies. Now, that also means that there are plenty of girls out there that over-compensate, shrug off, and fill in the gaps for those kind of dudes. Please don’t do that. Know your own worth.

Only, sometimes ‘other dudes’ SEEM to conduct themselves that way, and I think there are others who just get caught up in the possibility of not getting caught or a fantasy of “supposing.” That reminds me of a quote by Mark Twain: “Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.” Suppose you were really pretending to be a good guy. And suppose you were [insert member of ethnic group who lives in Europe-ish.] But I repeat myself. See below for further explanation.

Because I know it has happened before—to me, to others, to you, and it is probably (?) not the last time. That got me thinking, though. Upon careful reflection, and a little fact checking, I thought I could use my mis-adventure to help others, set facts straight, and clear my head about what seems to be an era of cyber-lying. And, pissed off usually works wonders for me. I wrote a short film after being pissed off by someone on Craigslist in 2004. Partly, FAT GIRLS FLOAT is fueled with equal parts of love and anger.

I have been a New Yorker since I was 8 (in my head), and am real, straight up, direct and honest. I also believe in doing what I see is best as far as I see the big picture. Friends know when they ask me they will get an often tactful, but honest answer. So, be careful what you ask me. Without Jack Nicholson’s delivery, I realize that sometimes people don’t ask questions, because they don’t want to know the truth, can’t handle the truth, or don’t want to handle the truth. I am also who I am—online AND off. I also want to be sensitive to those involved, should they read this. But, I also want to clearly state—we are not friends, and cannot be friends, nor can we have any interaction. And let me further state that no apologies are warranted from me, as I did nothing wrong. I deserve an apology from said parties, but I will settle for them leaving me alone. I deem such interaction or attempts at such interaction inappropriate.

I think such action is both a simple and seemingly masochistic attempt at a fishing expedition. Honey, you don’t wanna see what’s in my net. Any action taken by any party, therefore, will be considered hostile to the parameter I am clearly setting. As such, you will be treated by me with qualities I hold valuable and conduct myself with everyday: honesty, love, and compassion. And that might mean silence on my part. Anything else or answering questions directly, would result in a direct hurtfulness, of which I refuse to participate; which I do not deem my business. Any attack on my character is my damn business, though; please note.

However, I did state that this post is to aid others and contemplate actions and thoughts that are part of this community, and the public domain of societal and internet culture in general. I also think I am using this as a way to understand how and why men who claim to like fat girls participate in negative behavior on the internet.

I am not here to ‘out’ anyone, but I want to get down to what happened, and what I fear can happen to someone else. One may think that this could be intended as direct hurtfulness, it isn’t. It is an example of something that plagues women in general, and particularly fat women who use the internet as a means to finding a mate. I also think that often times, fat women feel like we are in an emotional-or sexual-drought because of size. And if we don’t feel that way at the moment or at this particular stage in our lives, I think we have all felt that way one time or another. And we cannot say that being fat and finding a real dude isn’t hard, because it is. In this day in age, it is hard for anyone, no matter their size, in my humble opinion. Additionally, this post may be somewhat ‘scholarly’ as it is talking about a term specific related to fat folk.

Upon such reflection, somehow, my very own Carrie Bradshaw question popped into my head.

“Can unknowingly touching someone else’s fruit lead to an act of fat rage?” As I think the converse may equally be possible and/or true: “Can an act of fat rage occur from someone touching your fruit?” Damn, it sounds way kinkier than it is. If ‘fat rage’ isn’t a term yet, you heard it here first, kids. Well, when in doubt, I did what any sensible sexy single NYer would do: I googled.

As it turns out, fat rage has a few meanings, with a short listing of hits from Google.

As we see the results below:

“fat rage” [with quotes]

1. America's Fat Hatred -
Anti-fat rhetoric is getting nastier than ever. Why our overweight nation hates overweight people. - Cached - Similar

2. Editorial
I call this phenomenon "fat rage" because it's sort of similar to the tragic ... If so, then fat rage serves a purpose and we may grudgingly have to accept ... - Cached

3. Maine Musicians Exchange - Directory - Management and Booking ...
Fat Rage Productions is a Promotional / Management company based in Lewiston, Maine. ... Fat Rage Productions is proud to be working with Losing Tomorrow, ... - Cached

4. FAT: Rage » Cozette
May 9, 2010 ... FAT: Rage. Posted by Sarah under Dance, FAT, In the Media, Music, Special Events | Permalink | | Leave A Comment | No Comments ... - 1 hour ago


fat rage [without quotes]

Advanced search
About 5,330,000 results (0.11 seconds)
Search Results

1. America's Fat Hatred -
Anti-fat rhetoric is getting nastier than ever. Why our overweight nation hates overweight people. - Cached - Similar

2. America's Fat Hatred -
Feb 19, 2010 ... And with fat people designated as acceptable targets of rage—and with the prevalence of fat people in our lives, both in the malls and on ... - Cached - Similar

3. Editorial
I call this phenomenon "fat rage" because it's sort of similar to the tragic ... If so, then fat rage serves a purpose and we may grudgingly have to accept ... - Cached

4. Acorn Rage Feeder Fat
Acorn Rage Feeder Fat™ is a highly concentrated FATTY Acorn Pellet that is designed to mix with Corn in your feeder to bring in deer by the bundles and ... - Cached - Similar

Where else could you get insider information on bringing deer ‘by the bundles’?

The only link that talks about and kind of defines it, but not exactly with the same meaning I am offering, is Conrad H. Blickenstorfer, Ph. D., editor of Dimensions Magazine, and former NAAFA board member.
Dr. Blickenstorfer states:

In this issue we're throwing political correctness to the wind and tackle an issue that's long been baffling me: Why is it that infighting and backstabbing are so prevalent in movements formed to help oppressed people? Sometimes it's so bad that little actual work gets done because everyone is too busy fighting and holding grudges. With an important task at hand-ending discrimination against fat people-and with a formidable enemy out there-the diet industry-it seems downright weird that infighting and splintering into ever smaller feuding groups absorbs most of our energy.

So here's a theory that might explain some this peculiar dynamic: Are we perhaps mistaken about the primary purpose of our movement? Could it be that one, or the, primary benefit of size acceptance organizations is to serve as training grounds for people who never had a chance to let out their wrath and anger in a fat phobic world? Who hasn't encountered people who act especially, unnecessarily, insensitive and obnoxious, as if trying to live up to the worst stereotypes? Who hasn't shaken his or her head in dismay over the seeming inability of people to get over minor disagreements, instead choosing to go nuclear over them?

I call this phenomenon "fat rage" because it's sort of similar to the tragic escalation of "road rage" where people caught in a common predicament start lashing out at each other instead of working together.

Do size acceptance organizations indeed serve as lightening rods for fat rage, as a place where oppressed people can relatively safely dispose of the rage and frustration of a lifetime of discrimination on the way to assuming their rightful place in society? If so, then fat rage serves a purpose and we may grudgingly have to accept its dissipation as part of our mission. It would also explain why for many people size acceptance organizations are only stepping stones that are no longer needed once the rage is gone. And why movements of potentially millions never manage to attract more than a few thousand members. Food for thought, for sure. Read Sally Smith's article on "fat rage" on page 18.

PS. I went to find Sally Smith’s article, and the link would not connect me.

I definitely agree with Conrad, and this is something that I also mentioned in my Popular Culture Conference speech in St. Louis in April of this year. There is irony there, trust me when I tell you.

So, if I am correctly understanding Conrad, his meaning and definition of ‘fat rage’ is a fat person who lets out his or her ‘wrath or anger’ against the fat-phobic world; in which it may inadvertently let that anger reach a fellow fatty and/or member of the size acceptance community. If you read it differently, please comment. Conrad also likens it to ‘road rage’, where people lash out at each other during a shared experience and/or predicament.

I agree with Conrad, but would like to extend the definition. He does clearly believe that FAT RAGE is a ‘letting go of pelt up anger due to one’s fatness/size’ and/or one’s self perceived fatness/size due to fat oppression and or anger.

I define FAT RAGE as:

FAT RAGE- (noun or verb) (1) a violent fit of anger or fury unleashed however on whomever either by a fat person against society and/or another person, place, or thing due to actual or perceived fat discrimination or fat oppression and (2) a violent fit of anger or fury against a fat person because he or she is visibly fat and/or is perceived or deemed to be fat by an attacker(s).

I am trying to encompass the fact that fat rage can be experienced by someone fat as well as against someone fat.

When I think of fat rage that pertains to ‘against someone fat’ I think of the fat rage that was forced upon Marsha Coupe in London who was beat up on a train for being fat. To me that was an act of fat rage, because the person doing the hitting was enraged at Marsha’s size.

I always felt it was a matter of time before a fat child or fat adult unleashes a fit of rage (fat rage) against someone who was teasing, bullying, discriminating against or just plain mean to him or her—as in a ‘last straw on the camel’s back’ kinda thing. In my film head, I see it as someone who is teased for the last time and opens fire on the bully. [God forbid!] It has probably happened and perhaps not made the news. If anyone knows of a case, please get in touch. As the case of Marsha Coupe was reported, I am sure there are many that are not, sadly.

Ok, now that I have given my definition of what fat rage is, let me next define someone else’s fruit.

You see, I think that we are all fruit, when it comes to love or the looking for love/dating world. Now, we all might not be bananas, but we are all fruit. Maybe the thought entered my mind from having seen My Big Fat Greek Wedding, back in the day. As the father of the bride states [paraphrasing] that despite the differences of his daughter marrying a non-Greek: One is an orange, one is an apple—no worries because we are all fruit.

Yes, we are all fruit.
And as such: delicate. And delectable, in my fair opinion.

Back to fruit. Like I said, I think in love, finding the right person is like trying to find good fruit. With time, we all ripen like a piece of fruit, and go on sale at the market. Some, you will find, is not yet ripe and best left on the shelf.

Love, like ripe fruit, is only as sweet as long as you hold it in your hand. Dearly and clearly. And there are times when you reach for what you think is delectable, and after taking a bite, realize it just doesn't give you that satisfactory taste for which you were hoping. Then there are others, which might even be a bit bruised; yet shiningly, despite all pretenses, surprise you. And still, there are those that look seemingly perfect, and yet, are completely devoid of flavor—and/or taste. Lastly, others which as soon as you get them in your mouth--you know you need to spit them out. The peaches of my tree might seem heavenly; but it is the tree, despite its mighty roots, that is nowhere near your supermarket. However, all I can attest for certain is that—I'm fruit. And sweet in the sincerest of meanings.

I like to think of me as bright, higher learned, addicted to cause?, and trying to change part of the world in one particular vein, enjoying the classics and poetry, creative, sincere, artistic, and definitely living with hope for what tomorrow might bring; and learning from what today brought. And trying to savor what's in between.

I am emotionally strong and independent (probably to my own determent), tactile, honest, loyal in every sense of the word (personally speaking), warm, and try to remind myself that humility is best reached through practice.

So how does fat rage and fruit go in the same shopping cart?

So where o where is all this leading? It seems I was engaged in an unsolicited suitor’s web of lies. “I am sure he didn’t mean to.” How is that new or news worthy? Seemed like a nice guy. How was I to know he had a girlfriend? Funny, he never mentioned her. When it became apparent to me, I immediately, and dude—I mean immediately! said my peace, revealed what I knew—and filed off an email outing said person that the jig was up. I want to keep their anonymity as well as my distance.

I think that when a fat girl is pushed to limits of being or feeling ‘disposable’, played with, lied to and the like—she may blame it on her size or the internet community to which many of us belong. I wonder if one fatty is pushed too far, or for “the last time,” can an act of fat rage then erupt? And if so, would it just be considered a simple act of rage or passionate rage, or would it be considered ‘fat rage’ since it ultimately may have to do with one’s size or fatness?

What is this a Seinfeld episode? Is there a cosmic voice:

So can someone come out in a ‘fat rage’ at being lied to—a fit of rage based on their size, or oppression from honesty because of their size? What about women, about whom I have read, who find out that their man views BBW porn on the internet. And she is no BBW. Will she then turn to rage against a fat woman for her own frustration at her man’s possible porn-viewing preference? Or what if she is a BBW and he is looking at even larger women?

I have no rage against anyone. Not even the machine. But I do have rage against being ill treated due to size discrimination. [I cannot exactly say that was the case here. This was a case of dude done fat girl wrong by having girlfriend and lying about not having one.]

I RARELY and I mean RARELY engage in unsolicited interaction, and I don’t solicit anyone. [ I didn't in this case either!] I might send a wink or a smile, but again, super rarely. In this case, I was solicited. No one is in ‘this’ community has really ever seen me with ‘a man’ because I am very private, and if I do date—I do not date within the community. Just not my thing for which I need not apologize. There are women who can attest to the fact that I would usually walk away from a man who approached the group of women I was with while at the Vegas BBW Bash. I don’t know why, a self-less act sure, but I was always working, and don’t mix the two. And in all fairness, I don’t really have time to be or spend with anyone in any great capacity. It would be limited to a few hours a week (which would mean me losing more sleep to make up the work slack/difference), or every other week. Seeing as I only get around 5 hours a night, dude! He has to be some dude! Time check 1:25 AM.

My friend Joey at Goddesses laughs when he has said on many an occasion “Kira’s never interested in anybody.” Not entirely true, not entirely false. What I am looking for is quite specific, and from my single adult life experience seems to be increasingly difficult to find: a man with character, a spine, and “a pair.” Throw in freckles, and dude, I’m yours! Queue Jason Mraz.

But the fact of the matter is, is that I do have about 3 personals up. “Ya never know,” is my feeling. One on a size-specific singles website. Now, through that site, which I had once mentioned in a Time Out New York article, I met one person face-to-face about 6 years ago. Seemed nice, nice dinner in my hood, was widowed. OK, I made the mistake about asking about the wife to find that she was ‘accidently pushed’ off a cliff. Literally. I understand that accidents happen, it just made me uneasy and I am not perfect, that I admit. There was no real ‘love connection’, on my part, anyway. Just being honest.

Next, in 2007, through that particular site, there was a long distance interaction that was hot, and seemingly solid, with daily contact for 7 months straight, with a certain man from a certain European country. He turned out to have a link to Margaret Thatcher [I’d explain, but only if you ask.], and a girlfriend of 4 years at the time—with whom he is still, but does not live with as is my current understanding. It was this particular connection that has given me a distinct reason to begin to dislike—and be extremely wary of—a particular ethnic group who reside in aforementioned European country. That does not mean other men in other European countries and America don’t lie to women on the internet. But, let’s just say, in my experience, this one group in particular is 4-0. Those aren’t good odds. I am trying hard NOT to be prejudiced. In fact, I am not, but let’s just say that they have tainted my opinion, nor have they made a good case for themselves. And 2 of which were not ‘internet related.’ And, frankly, I will most likely end up marrying one, because that is good cosmic irony.

What really trips my ass out is that…how does someone knowingly hurt someone else intentionally? What is the motivation behind that non-sense? I say intentionally because, if you have a girlfriend and you are flirting/carrying on, texting, emailing, calling another woman—yo! YO! That is intentionally hurting someone. First, your girl friend, and secondly the chick with whom you are carrying on in a digital manner. Now, I know I am cute, nice, smart, and sexy, (modest, yet humble?) but DUDE! I am so not into hurting others.

I am glad my thoughts—and blog post are not an act of fat rage, but may very well be an act of protest against such behavior and having been a victim of someone else’s lies, and defiantly an act of fat disgruntlement.

O, there is plenty of fruit in the garden of life. You just have to search to find the good apple in the bunch. Man fell from God’s grace at the hand of a woman, nonetheless, but not over fruit—over knowledge.

[In actuality, there are no apples grow in present-day Israel!]

“Genesis most definitely records that she did eat the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil. So why do people think of an apple? One reason is that the Latin word for evil is malum and the Latin word for apple is also malum.

In the fourth century AD, the word malum appeared in the Latin Vulgate translation of Genesis in the phrase ‘the tree of knowledge of good and evil’. From that time on people began to associate the apple with the fruit which Eve ate.
But Eve did not eat the fruit of the apple tree—she ate the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil.”

So, my advice? Move from passion to compassion, shop elsewhere, find a new market, and switch to whole grains?! Make lemonade if you get a lemon?! Don’t commit an act of fat rage if it can be helped—help yourself instead.

You will certainly find your way, your very own fruit basket—filled with all you need for yourself and for a healthy relationship. And, ya know… you can make your very own fruit salad, too. Or smoothie, or fruit kebabs. I would like to hope that the possibilities are only as limited as your very own imagination. Funny, cause coffee and fruit pretty much make up most of my diet.

May your smile continue, if only, as a piece of life's fruit salad.

The dude next to me just ordered fruit salad. He looked at me when I laughed out loud. You can’t make a line like that up!

Don’t worry about me. I have lived through a lot of rejection, much worse—[this was not even a blip!] a little bit of love, and serious obstacles—of which I have jumped. Didn’t say I always landed on my feet. BUT, I do believe there is someone out there for everyone.

And it doesn’t take an act of fat rage to find him.{Or her, for whomever that applies.}

It kind of makes me wonder, though, if I will be eyeing my produce guy in Key Food next time I go shopping.

Under clearing skies, [Click it!]


New York City

Hold the sex. Just the City, please: raw, straight up.
No chaser.

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